enigmatic bohemian

Lady Dude,

Lay it out for me: what are the top ten most thankless jobs? I’m looking for a career change and want to avoid bad decisions. Not my strong suit.

High fives all around,

Seth

A: TOP TEN THANKLESS JOBS

Dear Seth,

For future reference, Duding a lady is not cool. That said, here are thankless jobs to avoid if you need a lot of congratulations from people other than yourself:

10. Poison Tester – This is the guy/gal who tastes your food, your highness, to make sure it’s not poisoned. The only time you get thanked  is after you’re dead…from poison.

9. Sports Referee – The fans on both sides waver from wanting to make-out with you, to wanting to smash beer cans on your head. It’s extremely violent for your emotions.

8. Bathroom Attendant – this is on the list because whether people thank you for handing them a towel/lotion/perfume or not, you still have to spend hours in a public bathroom with excrement and gossip, which the dictionary says are not the same thing.

7. Health Insurance employee of any kind in the USA – Everyone hates you. Period.

6. Spammer – You hate yourself.

5. Server – You physically exhaust yourself and become a vampire based on the hours you work and lose all of your quality friends who aren’t servers because you’re sleeping through their lives.  You put up with inhuman dialogue and treatment from customers while you whore out your personality to them, all to receive an extra five dollars when they leave. It makes you feel dirtier and dirtier all the time until you start to feel that you really understand prostitution and at least they make better money than you do. And at the end of the day, all that work you did is unquantifiable and you’ll probably never see the customers who really appreciated you ever again, and your manager doesn’t care that much about you either because let’s face it, there are millions of cuter, younger things out there that are dying to have your shitty serving job.

4. Writer – Similar to the server, there are millions of writers. Whoever is employing you to write has no qualms about finding someone else who will probably do it for less money or for free. Actors – same story. But it’s more fun to keep telling yourself that you’re a genius who will rise above them all. Like me. See how that works?

3. The Messenger – whether you are a history buff or a fan of Game of Thrones, the Messenger always buys it. No one says, “thanks for that news delivery, that was very helpful, good sir”. No. They chop your head off and jam it on a spike, probably before you’re even done talking. Seriously, do not ride a horse a few hundred miles, deliver news to the enemy, and expect to get a high five. Just don’t do it. Don’t. Do. It.

2. Host of the Oscars – Seriously. Why does anyone agree to do this? I envision (insert Star’s name here) in their therapist’s office, and the therapist saying, “I hate to tell you this, but all other treatments have failed. There’s only one thing left to bring your ego back down to a size that will allow you to keep your family and friends. That’s right. I’ve got the Academy on speed dial. Why do you think Franco got the job?”

1. President of the United States – Unless you are the freakishly charming Bill Clinton, like the poison tester, people only really appreciate you after you’re dead. Otherwise, during your reign…ahem…term(s), at least half the US population despises you despite the ridiculous challenge that is your job. As for the rest of the world, millions of people hate you. And the ones who like you will only be lukewarm about it, so they can avoid sounding too pro-American. No one wants to be caught sounding like that. By that, I mean that poorly traveled foreigners *often* see the United States as a war-mongering nation of obese people with no culture or taste who all carry guns and talk at ear-shattering decibel levels. To that, I say…stereotypes do exist for a reason…ouch.

Good luck on the job search, dude,

Enigmatic Bohemian